I have my own small business called Handmade by Megan, LLC. I make home decor pieces and furniture. I have absolutely found my passion in woodworking. It provides me with such a healthy outlet.
It was the summer in 2020. My business exploded! I was getting orders left and right. I didn't know it at the time, but I was manic. I accepted every offer and way overbooked myself.
I became severely overwhelmed and would have a total break down into depression. I couldn't even think about working, let alone finish all of my outstanding orders. This cycle repeated itself secret times over the course of the summer.
In September, I had a severe freak accident. I was cutting a piece of wood on my table saw, like any other time, and the wood kicked back on me. My finger got caught in the spinning blade. I thought I lost my finger. There was so much blood, I almost passed out. No one was home; everyone I knew was working. I called my mom, but she didn't answer. So I called 911. The paramedics showed up quickly. They sat me in a chair and assessed my finger. I needed to go to the hospital and get stitches immediately. The paramedics helped me walk out from my workshop into the ambulance. I was in shock from what had just happened.
When we got to the emergency room, I was given a tetanus shot right away. The nurse had to numb my finger is she could examine it and clean it out. I was in so much pain, I could scream. When I got the numbing shot I'm pretty sure I was screaming. She cleaned it out and stitched it up. My finger was black. After it was stitched, I got an x-ray of it. It was broken in several places. I was discharged with a splint and orders to see an orthopedic doctor. I was lucky enough to get an appointment for the following morning. I would learn that I needed surgery to have a pin placed to heal the broken bones. The surgery happened a week later. The pain was so unbearable. I couldn't sleep.
After a few weeks, I became manic. This was my first psychotic full-blown manic episode. My therapist caught this during our weekly session. He described me as floating on the couch, talking so fast, he couldn't get a single word in, and euphoric. All I remember from this episode is feeling on top of the world, like I could fly if I tried hard enough. The mania lasted around 2 weeks.
I was scheduled to have the pin removed from my finger after about a month with it in. I went into the office manic, and came out and crashed in the car on the way home (my mom was driving). I fell into such a deep depression. I just wanted to die. I was convinced that my finger was not mine. The doctors made a mistake. It wasn't mine. It was up to me to fix it. I just had to figure out how.
During this time, I was so confused. My reality was not actual reality. I couldn't function on any level. I was so angry.
After witnessing my manic and subsequent depressive episodes, my therapist and psychiatrist finally officially diagnosed me with Bipolar 1, severe, with psychotic features.
Next time, I will talk about what it was like hearing those words.
Warmest wishes,
Megan
