When my psychiatrist finally sat me down and said the words, "You have bipolar 1, severe, with psychotic features," I was in disbelief. I had been so mentally unwell for months. I was in shock, and it took me quite a while to believe the truth. Although the diagnosis made sense. I had been having extreme mood changes, going from euphoric to utterly depressed. Over and over again.
I was able to do some research on Bipolar disorder and get to understand this illness a little better. I was devastated when I read that it is a chronic illness that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. Knowing that was daunting. My whole life changed just like that. I feel like I lost myself in the process. I had to grieve my life pre-diagnosis. I was in denial, angry, confused, and a little bit relieved.
When talking to my therapist about it, I asked if bipolar is something you "get" one day or if it has always been there. You can't "catch" bipolar; it can just lay dormant until something triggers it. I believe my trauma with my broken figure brought it to life. Not only was my body broken, but so was my brain. It was on fire.
My psychiatrist prescribed "brain rest" instead of going inpatient. She knew I had a good support system to help me through. I spent three months barely getting out of bed, so depressed. I couldn't function on any major level. I didn't go to work, cook meals, or even shower.
Since I was misdiagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and on anti-depressants that weren't working, my psychiatrist had to switch gears and prescribe mood stabilizers and antipsychotics. I am very sensitive to medications, so it was a hard process to go through. I had genetic testing done to see which medicine my body would metabolize. She first prescribed Lithium, but that made me so much worse. I had all the terrible, scary side effects from that med.
It has taken me a long time to accept my diagnosis, but I feel like once I embraced it, I felt a little better. I had to learn how to navigate life with this never-ending illness. Going from such extreme mood swings left me reeling. Stability was a far-off dream. I worked really hard in therapy to process this "new me."
If you have been diagnosed with bipolar, I hope you find some peace and acceptance. Take charge of your disorder. Get to know all about it. Learn your triggers for episodes. Keep track of your moods. Create a good sleep hygiene routine. Avoid stressful situations if you can. Change in life and routine may cause an episode. Be informed. You are not alone. There is a great community of people out there who can empathize with what you are going through.
Until next time...
Warm wishes,
Megan
